If you want to keep going to that plane that we both agree is toxic,
I'll have to walk away.
Not because I don't love you,
But because I have to choose between yourself or myself.
Between a toxic life, or one full of vitality and good intentions.
I hope the high was worth the pain.
And I am bitter in the mind,
I can barely stay on my lane.
The illusion has begun demolishing old castles in my reign.
The people in them are shedding their skins like snakes.
Infiltrating my dreams biting and chasing me away.
Sometimes I am amused of the snakes, while despising the poisoning.
A kingdom of sand,
Vulnerable to tears from distress and remorse same.
I wish I could make you understand.
The walls of trust were also made of sand and paper,
And the winds of neglect have swept them away.
Its strange,
How we are so sure we can help someone change for the better.
What do I get from feeling anxious hoping for your wellbeing.
Its ugly,
When you poke the kid and it turns into a monster.
I placed myself in a turbulence
And I ended up throwing up.
Afterwards everything freezes, and I am fleeing on my boat,
through sand storms and crashing sand waves.
Over the mountains I can find peace perhaps,
Under trees made of paper
Consumed by feelings of my own dreams and disillusions.
I make a fire and
I conjured a demon,
So that my kid can tell what an angel is from a devil.
In my vagueness I hope to transition some of my pain on to you,
As I am resentful of how many times I've dreamed of snakes piercing my skin
And leaving me with only nibbles of my drafted ideals.
And the neglectful not communication and amount of uncertainty,
The perfect recipe for insanity in a busy mind.
The nonchalant way of not being aware.
Those thoughts of uncertainty that turn into dark spike branches,
Piercing my brain and insides into a bloody smoothy.
I went to hell to learn to avoid the devils,
Came out a mere vegetable, pale and without taste.
You made me believe that my rationalizations made sense,
But you showed me you didn't care.
Your words like butterflies lost their color
And dropped dead, turns out they were fakes of paper and made pretty with paint.
Just like drops of water breaking rock for eternity,
So our actions mutilated the important parts of the agreements.
My ego hides and runs away,
From the disbelief of a human who loves to autodestruct.
I don't know where else to hide, or what other spirits to conjure.
The monster inside is waking up,
The rational mind is now switching sides.
So fuck you,
For activating such a monster in disguise.
And although that can be in the past,
I cannot allow myself to go back to hell.
I am breaking these hot chains,
With the acidic tears of remorse.
The chains you bestowed on me with your sexual traps
You just wanted to survive.
But why did you choose the high over a heart who cares.
In a world that has broken us down to anxieties and devil acts.
With little to care, why?
I can only blame you for not caring enough.
And for that I'd rather be lonely.
P.S. I wish my leave lets you do all you want to do without judgement. Also, I share my pain of neglect to communicate, specially for one with a very active mind whose prone to obsessive thought compulsions. This is to say I have noticed a tendency of the mind to be compulsory in thought of those things that are threats to our preferred way of existing and values, hence a perceived wide array of life threatening signs on thoughts and deductions made over a prolonged amount of time - as in months or years. Furthermore, those thoughts and what's considered compulsive disorder could very well be communication from your instincts, your intuition, the real question is, are you ready to handle what it's trying to tell you? This also means sleepless nights from worry, or over excitement. The most hurtful aspect being that of which you can't control about the people close to you. Equally the most hurtful thing about this is missing the sleep which is vital for health and mood regulation. The stress builds up, the more one lives, the more likely to go insane little by little. The less sleep we tend to get, from the dependency of substance abuse, body and spiritual malnourishment, coupled with social and political constructs aimed to create chaos in relationships.
Note to my Child Self:
You are so beautiful, smart, diligent, hardworking, good in heart... You may be doubtful of the leave, maybe even scared, but know that with this your horizons expands so vastly you have a real chance at living a meaningful life. With the people you want to be friends with, the types that are always striving for a healthy, more stable life. One of travelers and global citizens, but highly motivated to be of good conduct and morale. One where trust is the currency, respect is the food and love is the air. Its okay to be scared, but you have determined yourself what is best for you; to leave a toxic life and mold it into a healthy one. You have learned that a persons path is their own and that you have to live and let live. You've also learned that people can be stuck on their bad habits for a lifetime. In contrast, you've also realized that there are people whom with the right amount of experience and discernment can turn their lives and evolve into their highest plane of abundance and human progress. Muting out peoples words and watching their actions will tell you more than anything they could ever say. If you stay true to your wellbeing overall, you will do good in life. If you maintain grounds with determined values, no one circumstance can defeat you. You live your truth, and you accept both joy and pain - as they are inseparable. Important to know that you can diminish the pains, simply by carefully selecting ways of life, boundaries and values on which your pack agree on. It is pointless to keep feeling pains over things that can be avoided and are trivial, but life threatening to the underdeveloped ego. It will hurt, walking away. You will be called self centered, conceited, weird... You will shed tears and become numb to the exterior because it doesn't really work with you. You will be lonely, because it's hard to understand you. But you will keep learning through the deserts and the valleys. You will learn to differentiate a good person fit for your vision from those who will drag you down and consume your caring energy. But ultimately, by sticking to your values, the right people will see you and you them, because to them you shine and so them to you. You will get the life you want, with the people you envision, and the feelings you cherish and can learn from. It all begins with you and expands outwards as you make it a lifetime habit.
As always, I love you child, and I am here to listen and watch you grow. For the good moments, and for the bad ones.